Rob Knight

John Basedow, please stop!

June 07, 2005

As the title suggests, I’ve grown tired of “Fitness Celebrity” John Basedow. As I watched his rippling abs tonight for probably the 700th time (At least once during every episode of The Daily Show I’ve ever seen) I started to wonder how many other Americans are forced to endure this. Although I doubt my wife and I are the only people rotting our minds with “The power to change your body, the power to change your life,” I wonder how far reaching the Basedow Media Empire is? So here is my quest:

If you are familiar with “Fitness Celebrity” John Basedow, tell us all where you live and how long you’ve had to live through his media reign if you can remember back that far. And this is not a joke, I really want to know how far away from the center of my personal hell this guy has reached. Maybe you’ve had a fun experience whilst watching John Basedow pose. Maybe a particularly intimate moment was shattered into a million pieces the moment your TV crackled with the sound of “Lose fat, increase energy.” I’d like to hear your story of how John Basedow interrupted your life.

But before you do, you have to repeat after me:

No tricky dance moves. No high-impact gyrations. Just light weight-training, done at a heart-pumping cardio pace. To build lean muscle, and burn pounds of fat.

And if anybody out there actually knows (or knew) John Basedow personally, please feel free to share your heartwarming stories of John as a child. I think the question we all want to know is:

What did he look like in high school?

Full Disclosure: I was not paid by the Basedow Empire to write this post. Had I been paid by the Basedow Empire, there would have been many purple triangles in the background, and I would repost this every third post or so until no one paid any attention to it, but could repeat it verbatim in their sleep.

Update: Someone on the Internet started the nasty rumor that John Basedow perished in the December 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. I wonder why anyone would have done such a thing to John Basedow? And others have wondered if Basedow is a fake. There must be a few folks out there who were hoping for trickier dance moves when they ordered their VHS copy of “Better Body Basics.” Silly fitness hopefuls, everyone knows there is only one place to go for tricky dance moves.